i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
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I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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