meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
