Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
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I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
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our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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