I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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