it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
