I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
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We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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