I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
