his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think I sprained my soul last night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
