im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!