You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dating After Heartbreak
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher