Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
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i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?