I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.