I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And then the night went full on bisexual.