Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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