She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
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Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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