k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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