Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
