Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?