i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
