I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
