Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.