If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
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Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.