Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't put those talents on a resume
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
