Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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