I wish I could punch you in the face.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
