i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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