What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
