I faked an abortion last night.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
