Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
