i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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