Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
