Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
