Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break