Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
