apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
