you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
