News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
These tits shall not be calmed
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
