Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.