News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
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How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.