he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
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Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.