I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He kissed a someone with a penis
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.