i barfeds in our rink
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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