the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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