she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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