An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
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I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.