He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.