if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
