i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
