Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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