Soap is not a condiment
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
