why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
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Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
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i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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