My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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