what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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