I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux