just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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