dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change