I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist