if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
