The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
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Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize