This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
