R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just forgot I was standing up.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
