It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
